I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
