Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Randomize
