Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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