There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
