i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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