I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
