at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
