I smell stomach acid.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
