Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Randomize
