Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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