Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
