It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize