I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
this is an emotional support booty call
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
