I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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