Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Randomize
