the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Guys are so much hotter at OU. Come my mating season, I am flying south like the geese in the wintertime.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Randomize