Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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