I molested 6 butterflies tonight
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
