She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
