I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
