Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
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