You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
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