the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
