I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
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