Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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