did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize