Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
