Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
