Welp...herpes.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Randomize
