nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
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