Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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