Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
