just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
