I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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