we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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