I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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