Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
