that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
