this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
