I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
