New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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