Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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