hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
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