On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
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