Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
