dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
