i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
