Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
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