I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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