There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
