i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Randomize
