I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Randomize
