"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
