I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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