So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Randomize
