I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
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