I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
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