I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
I have feelings that need drinking.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
