im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Panties = found
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
