turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
