The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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