SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
